A Lesson in Self Esteem

I would like to relate a powerful story I read the other day regarding teaching our kids who they really are and what makes them special. I will paraphrase this story to shorten it up a bit:

Zack is a 12 year old 7th grade middle school student. At his school there is a clique of 'popular' kids who have begun having parties. Zack, though he is kind, funny, intelligent and warm, has always had a hard time making many friends because of his shyness in social situations. It's hard for him to be social and he's not invited to most parties. Most of the kids hand out tee shirts or sweatshirts as favors at their parties. The Monday following the party, all of the kids who were at the party come to school wearing their new shirts. Zack often comes home many Mondays feeling sad.

Last Saturday, Zack attended a party of a boy whose father does business with Zack's dad which is why he was invited since the boy doesn't really ever talk to Zack. When Monday morning came around, Zack's parents told Zack he wasn't allowed to wear the sweatshirt he had received at the party to school because Zack's parents felt it was important to teach Zack a lesson about compassion. His parents told him that just as his feelings were hurt on many Mondays, other children will be hurting now. And it's also like bragging that Zack went to a popular boy's party. Zack listened but wasn't happy. When Zack came home he said that all the kids who were wearing their sweatshirts made the others feel bad anyway so why couldn't he wear his? Zack's mother told him that regardless of what others did he knew he didn't cause others pain.

Zack's mother felt like this was a character-building experience that he will understand one day but she was unsure. A friend suggested she sit down with Zack and let him know how proud she was of the way he respected the parent's decision, even though it was difficult for him to carry through. Too often we criticize our children but neglect to tell them how proud we are of them. She went on to suggest that the mother explain to Zack that when he feels hurt by others in life, he should always try to remember that feeling so that he never inflicts pain on anyone else. It would be so much easier, of course, to just forget about the other kids who are feeling sad and leave them behind. But then what? You are acting the same way as those who hurt you. The point of going through something is not to grow insensitive, but, rather to grow from the experience and become a kinder, more compassionate human being. That way, you know in your heart of hearts that you have taken the higher road, and that is the greatest road to take in life.

But here is the greatest lesson of all. Ask Zack if these kids are being nice to him and including him only when he wears the "in" sweatshirt, what kind of friends are these? What happens next week, when he's back Monday morning without the right shirt on? Are they back to not including him because he wasn't at the big weekend party? If someone is your friend only for the label on your shirt, is that called a true friend? And then, if you lose the label, do you lose your friends? Do you lose your sense of self? Are you only as good as the shirt on your back? Ask yourself Zack, without this shirt, who am I?